My name is #1178413. I've been incarcerated for 9 years. I'm a prisoner in the Virginia Department of Corrections. I would like to share my experiences with death that caused me the most grief while being locked up. It was the year 2007 and I was sitting in jail trying to call my children's mother but was not getting a response. The voice mail kept coming on and I was becoming frustrated with her along with the whole phone situation. I just talked to her an hour ago and her phone battery was about to die so she said to give her a few hours to recharge it. As time went by I was called for a visit that I didn't even know I was getting. It was my mom and she rarely pops in like this to come see me. So I was already curious that something might be wrong because she just sat there in silence. When she put her head down that's usually a sign of bad news. She then looked back up at me and said, "She's dead, she's dead." I was like - who's dead?! She just replied, "somebody killed her."
Then she finally came out and told me that my baby mother was killed by blunt force trauma. What! That was my only response as I went silent for about 15 minutes. It was such a devastating blow and all types of things were racing through my mind. Revenge, suicide, anger, murder, and any other negative feeling that I could think of. I didn't even go to Court yet and had to suffer someone close to me already leaving me already. I was all in pieces and I couldn't eat or sleep for the rest of the day.
When I called home the next day to get more information I was hit with some more bad news. My grandmother passed away too and what's crazy is, I was just about to call her for some spiritual guidance to me through my loss. Now it was like, where do I go from here? How do I begin to grieve? She was like the matriarch of the family whom I admired, loved, and respected. Hurt couldn't even describe the pain I was feeling at that time. It just was too much too fast. I knew I had to stay strong because i was about to get some time and I couldn't break down so soon, especially in an environment where emotions are suppressed and tears could be considered a weakness. My peers kept me focused with cards and conversation to lift up my spirit. For some reason I felt like I was being tested to see how strong I really was.
All I did everyday was sit in my cell and write poems as if I was writing letters to them, with no return address. Everything I never got to tell them I put in my poems, which are now the best poems I've ever written thus far. I still read them from time to time to keep myself in check and to celebrate their lives. I was blessed to go to both of their funerals on different days. I was allowed to read a poem for both of them and it was like a weight lifted off my shoulders.
After my mind was getting used to not seeing them anymore, six months later my cousins died in his sleep. He was only 33 years old and he was like my brother. I was definitely not ready for that one so I isolated myself from everybody. I even tried to write but nothing came out so I just shut down. I don't know how I got over that one, but then a year later my other cousin died in her sleep at the age of 20. I had to ask myself and God, "Am I being punished?" Right after that, about seven months later my God-sister got gunned down with her six month old daughter in her arms but the baby survived. Another year went by and my sister died from kidney failure and a few months later, my uncle died. Then, three weeks later my other best friend died and eight months later another one of my friends died. I thought to myself it's no way I can take this any longer but my family kept supporting me which got through the worst times of my entire life.
What I learned from all of this was that tomorrow is truly not promised to anyone so never take life for granted. These experiences have encouraged me as well as they have given me strength and motivation to live my life with respect and humility. Their passing gave me the courage to be able to get through anything, especially the tragic situations and not lose my sanity or lose touch with reality.
Group Discussion:
What's the first emotion that goes through your mind, body, or spirit after hearing about a death in your family?
Is life a preparation for death? How do you feel about each one?
Describe the emotion you feel for a stranger that you heard died compared to a loved one you've heard die. Should there be a difference?
Would it be normal to have a different emotional reaction after hearing about something tragic, rather than seeing it? Include being incarcerated as a factor.
Do you think the author became numb after grieving for so many casualties at one time?
Do you think revenge helps people get some kind of relief for their losses? If yes, explain how? If no, provide at least two alternative solutions.
Is it possible to grieve without expressing some kind of negative thoughts? How would you feel if you couldn't express yourself?
How does your grieving affect your thinking?